I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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