My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
