you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
