I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
