im holly from the hills drunk
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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