I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
