i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just found puke in my bra..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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