you mean i was at the winter classic?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
