2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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