New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
