Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
