The maid of honor just puked.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
