i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
