I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
