I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
