Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
