Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
