Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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