dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
