so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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