oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
