last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
