Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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