We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Welp...herpes.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
