She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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