Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
