I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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