You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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