im six kinds of drunk right now
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
