Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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