I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
