if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
