I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
