this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
