It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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