Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
