I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize