He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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