she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
