what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
