I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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