I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize