you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
