I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
