walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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