I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
