I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I could fuck to npr.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
