Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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