did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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