come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
