Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
