Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
