You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
