I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
