i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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